This post is raw. This post is in the moment. This post is long! So long in fact that neither FB nor Instagram will grant me enough space to write it. My blog, while it might not be about food, will allow me to type until my fingers fall off. This needs to be heard. No. That isn’t true. The truth? I need to say it.
I had three separate dreams about Scot last night.
In the first dream we randomly bumped into each other and he asked me to care for him for the night. I agreed. I was settling him in, doing his bedtime routine and we were chatting about life. He said the offspring was so grown up and that I had done a great job raising her. I transferred him into bed and said “I’ll just be down the hall.” And he said “Will you lay with me?” So I did. And we just laid there. No words were spoken. Nothing. We just laid there. I ran my fingers through his hair. I could smell him. I could feel him. Oh and Bentley bit him twice🙄. Really Ben?!? Come on!!
I woke up and felt so much love in my heart. I honestly can’t explain it. I got up and got a drink, went to the bathroom, and maybe ate 4 cookies…probably closer to 6. It was 1:28am. Standing in the kitchen, eating my 8 cookies I thought “Great, I’ll never get back to sleep!” The third shift cures still haunts me!
I did fall back asleep…with no issues. Scot was there again. This time we were waiting in a fast food drive thru which resembled a large parking garage. We were in his red van. The place was surround by docks and water. We got our bag of food and we’re waiting on something, when he started to choke. I jumped out of car and ran to his side of the van. There were about a million people around us and he just kept saying “I need to get out.” The onlookers were blocking the ramp. I went Detroit on them to get people to back up. Scot said he was fine. A paramedic said by law they had to take him to the hospital and Scot refused. As I was arguing with the paramedics Scot left. I saw him leave the area. Not uncommon. Scot hates crowds. I heard a scream. He had drove his wheelchair off the dock and into the water. There was a paramedic in the water trying to pull him out. Scot was shaking his head no over and over. I took Scot’s arms to hold him above water while the paramedic ran to get help. Suddenly no one was around. I was holding him, crying, and he said “Let me go.” I refused. He got mad and said again “Let me go. You know I love you.” I said “Is this what you want?” more in a “are you fricken serious right now??” kind of way and he very calming said “Yes”. I kissed him and said “I love you. Goodbye.” and like Rose from in Titanic I let him go. I watched him float away under the water.
Then I woke up again. It was 3:23am. I got up to shake off the emotions of that dream. How could I let him go to drown?? I was mad at myself for doing that. I may have gotten more cookies and then went back to bed.
I fell back asleep while trying to find something to watch on Netflix.
Scot was there again. We were back in his van driving out in the country. Just driving and talking. Talking about old moments between him & I. He was smiling and laughing. I was too. We talked about a lot for a dream. Specific memories.
Then I woke up. It was 10:25am…no I am not joking. 10/25 is Scot’s birthday.
I went to get up because my bladder was about to burst and I fell immediately to the floor. I first thought it was my knees. But then I started sobbing. Hard. Deep.
In that moment my mind processed what had happened. My soul felt the night. My heart purged.
Every day for the past three 3 years since his death I have wished for 3 things; to have one more day, to have one more night, and to say goodbye. Last night, in those three dreams, while not in that order, I got those three exact things. I got to spend another night laying next to him. I got to spend another day talking to him, and I got to say goodbye.